Added: Noelle Hunziker - Date: 30.11.2021 23:42 - Views: 34086 - Clicks: 7394
Eh I liked the original title for this story better. I agree that it's a much better name. I still want to see his mother's mlp brothel when she re this. On a more serious note, I rather enjoyed this. I lived in Wolfsburg for a year, so you can just imagine the cheering when I read Neighdersachsen. This review brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors. Grammar Score: I'll say 8; since you wrote in vernacular a lot of thing mlp brothel would have been mistakes are now "artistic choices," but no major flaws.
Pros:A very interesting idea; one that few authors have handled sensitively. Great use of vernacular, gives us insight into the character without impacting readability Very well developed narrator, I really feel I understood him as a person in just a few hundred words. Cons: Some of the worldbuilding seems a little off, though it wasn't obvious on the first read-through. How does a pony use a gun? Why is he fighting with Zebras? Who are they fighting?
The story jumps around a bit. It's charming, but can also be distracting from the central idea. Why do the Zebras sprechen Deutsch? Ich sperche ein bischen, so it was a small treat, but it feels weird, and is a little distracting. Notes: Well, coming up with cons was actually somewhat difficult. The worldbuilding is the only real problem. Any time I have to stop and ask myself "why? Thanks for my review. The rules for Authors Helping Authors state that when youdo a review for a member of the group, you use the form.
The mlp brothel of the review is obligated to use the same form to write out a review for them in return. Don't sweat it; the form makes it all rather quick and easy. It's just filling out paperwork. I have read far better sexual fics, both in this fandom and several others, but I still do enjoy the unique style and quality of the work. Overall: 7. You use some words that kinda take me out of the story some.
If I were to write a letter to someone I know well, I probably wouldn't be so proper when explaining certain things, like in the first paragraph with "particularly fierce ambush" and later on with "blushing furiously. Not a huge detractor, but it was something I noticed.
Honestly, that's the only real complaint I have other than the length. I'm not one to tell someone how long a story should be, as I feel the story should be exactly as long as it takes to tell. That being said, there were some scenes here that I fell could've been fleshed out and expanded upon a bit.
I won't go into detail, but I will say that this is a good thing. War psychology is a huge, interesting topic ripe for the picking, and you do it really well here. It just want more; more thoughts, more feelings, more ways the squadmates interact. Honestly, I wouldn't mind seeing more of this character dealing with other things, as you've created a great voice. They started talking about fillies they've had, the best places to go- that kind of stuff.
So, these two are easy fixes.
Fillies implies young girls, like young girls. Could be me being crazy, but just making a note. After all, we really could die at any time out here in Zebricy He's here in Neighdersachsen because it puts food on the table. So, this is what starts to get a little confusing. So, Where exactly are these two places in relation to Equestria and the world? One main reason mlp brothel is important is because there are places like Germaneigh that would be assumed to be with Deutsch roots, while you have zebras as a primary race in this.
Zecora has a lot of African heritage in the canon, so we can assume most zebras are from there. Continuously, this puts into question the idea of her rhyming speech which could be her specifically or the race as a whole.
Overall, I'd just say explain the given circumstances of your story well so these little questions don't arise. Another thing, is why is the protagonist a pony. You mention "mercs" later in the story, but don't give insight as to the external details. Again, given circumstances like the who, mlp brothel, when, where, etc. One guy fell into the ravine. He tumbled end over end, falling and screaming the whole way down down down You use several human words and slang, like "guy," "kid," "bitch," which could be used in the story, but could also detract from your writing.
Always good to handle those with care. Also, the next part needs commas, and is a tad weird to put in a letter, even though it is the character's voice. It seems out of place more as a conversational story telling technique instead of a written one. That's all my nitpicky stuff, sorry Mlp brothel just mlp brothel to add that you don't tend to go into great details and things, which can be somewhat fine, but it seems a tad rushed and disted.
Just try and transition well between each event. I like the idea, though. I enjoyed the story and where it went; a sort of rite of passage story during wartime is a nice theme. Keep up the good work! Just like "Fillyfooler" sounds like something you would call a pedophile, it just means Lesbian.
So really, it's not really a problem. They even use it in the show. I'm just being crazy. But do you agree with the other things I pointed out? Or are they crazy, too??? The "human words" you pointed out is a valid thing, but I of all people know how hard it is to find good words to replace them. And "bitch" isn't a purely human word. It's simply a female dog, and calling anyone a dog is insult enough. And yes, the words he used for his countries was pretty different and the races inhabiting them mainly seemed a bit weird, but I just see it as a way of him separating himself from other authors.
Well, I liked it. No glaring errors, and it was overall well written. I liked how you made the zebras German or whatever the hell the equivalent is. I hadn't seen that before, since most writers make that race an African archetype. The whole letter thing was kind of odd, as I don't know any soldiers who wrote their mothers about their first whorehouse. But that was just a minor thing and you did explain it, so I'm satisfied, I suppose. I liked the development of the main character, and all his somewhat dark tendencies.
I feel that you captured the likeness of a young soldier well, even if I fail to see how a pony holds a rifle. Grammar: 9. It's very well written, but I feel like the periods force the reader to pause too much. Overall, this is a great story. Even though this is a letter and should be very straight, you fleshed out details about the protagonist, his friends and his current situation.
The narrative is very good, and it left me with hunger to read a sequel. The only problem I found are the use of too many periods and that the story is short and doesn't have a sequel; this story feels like you could write a few extra chapters describing what happened after he finally lost his virginity.
Maybe some character development? I hope you enjoyed your review. Please, could you give my story, Rainbow in the mlp brothela look? Thank you very much. This story made me think of the song "Schwaben Redoubt" by Ricky Warwick. Good song and a good story. Welcome to the brothel we've got fun and games We got everything you want honey, we know mlp brothel names We are the people that can find whatever you may need If you got the money, honey we got your disease.
A nice, short coming of age story. I like the "Letter Home" story device. The world surrounding the protagonist was sufficiently described. I can clearly see the stallion penning the letter in my mind's eye. Making the Zebras German was different but not unwelcome.
Klee's sincerity and the stallion's nerves came through the text pretty good. I realize it's one of your early works but It's a pretty good nonetheless. generated in 0. Support us SubStar Chat! Discord Follow us Twitter.
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